Scientists say dinosaurs were killed by giant haemorrhoid

March 5, 2010

After studying twenty years of data, scientists have finally concluded that dinosaurs died out as a result of enlarged and swollen blood vessels in the anus. ‘It’s obvious when you think about it,’ said Dr Gareth Collins from Imperial College, London, ‘and it certainly explains why they were always making so much noise.’

‘The haemorrhoids would have been particularly difficult for the dinosaurs to deal with,’ explained, Dr Collins, ‘especially the tyrannosaurus rex who only had very short arms and would have therefore been unable to apply any cream.’

The panel of 41 experts studied all the available data and conclude that 65 million years ago the dinosaurs were struck down by massive varicose veins in the anal cavity. The claims are said to be backed up by piles of evidence in the fossil record.

The theory also explains how the haemorrhoidal impact would have affected the natural environment. Joanna Morgan, co-author of the review, said: ‘The haemorrhoids will have triggered large-scale annoyance in the prehistoric rectums of these creatures causing itching, inflammation and constipation. They will have probably stomped around in quite a bad mood for a while, no doubt sparking fires, earthquakes and tsunamis as they went.’

The final nail in the coffin for the dinosaurs will have been the impact of a Grade Four haemorrhoid, sometimes known as ‘perianal haematoma’, that will have utterly devastated the Jurassic arse. ‘Not only would it have been very painful’, said Dr Collins, ‘but it would have also been socially awkward for any diplodocus or triceratops to walk around with something like that hanging from their bottom. I imagine many of them will have simply died from embarrassment.’

It is not known exactly what caused the haemorrhoids to strike although many scientists believe that the dinosaurs were suffering from hypertension caused by the constant stress of thinking that they were all about to be hit by an asteroid.

The extinction of the dinosaurs paved the way for smaller, warm-blooded mammals to populate the Earth, eventually leading to mankind and the evolution of Anusol.

The findings are expected to form the basis of a new CGI documentary from the BBC entitled, ‘Wincing with Dinosaurs.’

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