Baby woolly mammoth “a bit rubbish” say scientists

February 20, 2010

“Once we unthawed it we realised that it was just a hairy elephant,” said researcher, Daniel Fisher, “We thought it would hold the key to understanding the Pleistocene era but quite frankly, it’s rubbish.”

Lyuba, the 40,000-year-old baby mammoth, was discovered in the permafrost of north-west Siberia and is believed to be the most perfect specimen of its kind. “It might be perfect,” moaned Alexei Tikhonov of the Russian Zoological Institute, “but all it does is just lie there on the table. We tried poking it with sticks for a while but it didn’t move or make any noises. It looks like it’s broken.”

“We had hoped that by examining tissue samples from the mammoth, conducting DNA analysis and using computer modelling techniques we might understand what caused Ice Age mammals to die out” said Dr Fisher, “but in the end we couldn’t be bothered.” He later added, “I reckon they died out because they didn’t like the cold.”

Lyuba was due to embark on a world tour of museums next year but the project had to be abandoned after an incident involving a bored scientist. “I tried pulling on its trunk to see if it would do anything,” he said, “but the whole thing just snapped off in my hand.”

When asked what had happened to the baby mammoth the scientists just shrugged and mumbled. “I dunno”, said one, “it’s probably been thrown out in the trash with that manky old half-human half-ape missing link thing.”

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