Kraftwerk Launch Hostile Takeover Bid for Kraft Foods

February 15, 2010


The move into foodstuffs is a radical departure for the German electronic group who already hold controlling interests in the Autobahn, Trans Europe Express and the Tour de France.

“Kraft really took their eye off the ball on this one,” said BBC Business Editor, Robert Peston, “They were too busy buying out Cadbury to notice that four suited androids were creeping up behind them.”

The Dusseldorf band is understood to have developed a complex bidding strategy in which they endlessly repeat their minimum and maximum bids per minute. The repetitive rhythm continues remorselessly until even the largest multinational company is forced into submission.

Kraft Foods chief executive, Irene Rosenfeld said “The financial pressure is unbearable, as is the noise. We are trapped between a Krautrock and a hard place.”

The takeover is expected to see significant changes to Kraft’s product range including the introduction of Electric Coffee, Philadelphia Cheese Spreadsheets and Milk Tray Non Stop, Techno Choc.

Nobel Prize winning economist, Joseph Stiglitz, praised Kraftwerk’s business proposals saying: “It’s a model and it’s looking good.”

Details of the multi billion-dollar takeover will be finalised next week when Kraft’s directors make way for a new set of Boardroom Dummies.

When asked to comment a representative from Kraftwerk simply said: “We are the robots.”

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