Large Hadron Collider stolen by joyriders
February 11, 2010
Swiss police were yesterday involved in a high speed pursuit after the Large Hadron Collider was hotwired and stolen by teenagers. The gang are believed to have jemmied their way in via a breach in the space-time continuum that may have been left open by a cleaner.
Police were unable to keep up with the youths as they drove the high speed particle accelerator around the Franco-Swiss border in a 27km circle of chaos. Eyewitnesses described their shock as the Collider whizzed past them at almost the speed of light before pulling handbrake turns and firing off protons in all directions.
‘I think I saw one of them wave,’ said a confused bystander, ‘although it may have also been a particle.’ An elderly woman was later treated for shock after seeing one boy pull down his pants and moon out of the window shouting: ‘Look! I’ve created a black hole!’
The Collider was eventually found abandoned in a side street covered in a mixture of quark-gluon plasma and Irn Bru.
Experts believe that during the escapade the boys may have inadvertently created the elusive Higgs boson particle when they crashed into a lamppost. However, by the time the police arrived the particle had escaped down a nearby alley.
Head of the Swiss Anti-Gravity Squad, Chief Inspector Lars Toblerone said, ‘These kids were driving around without tax, insurance or any basic understanding of quantum mechanics. Quite literally, anything could have happened.’
Two boys were later arrested and charged with breaking the laws of physics, time travelling without a permit and spray-painting an image of a cock and balls over the fabric of space-time.