Scientists believe they may have recorded their first sighting of the elusive sub-political particle, the Clegg boson, otherwise known as The Sod Particle.

The Clegg’s existence has been postulated for some time as a means to resolving strange inconsistencies in the Standard Political Model, while remaining barely detectable itself.

‘The Clegg is very tiny and only capable of weak interactions,’ explained Professor Jim Al-Khalili, ‘However, despite exerting only a very small force, it appears to play a key role in providing the mass for some of the larger political elements.’

Scientists finally made the breakthrough by bombarding a political vacuum in the House of Commons Collider with high energy levels of scorn and derision. This eventually caused the Clegg to appear, albeit only for a nanosecond, before rapidly vanishing back into the ether.

‘This brief sighting could help to explain a lot of things,’ said Professor Al-Khalili. ‘The Clegg represents a stumbling block, but if it does exist then it may provide the key to how we all ended up where we are today.’

Scientists are fascinated by the Clegg particle because it has a strange ‘reverse spin’. This means that whenever it tries to go one way, it always ends up going in completely the opposite direction. The Clegg also bridges the gap between matter and anti-matter, existing in what experts believe is a perpetual state of ‘doesn’t-really-matter’.

Despite the excitement, many scientists remain sceptical about the findings and claim that the Clegg is just an insignificant blip that will probably fade away in time.

Meanwhile, others are hoping that it may be possible to harness the power of the Clegg for good. ‘It may seem like something from science fiction,’ said Al-Khalili, ‘but in the future it might be possible to split the Clegg, releasing political power of such magnitude that it may be able to light up very a small torch.’

In yet another twist to the phone hacking scandal, former News International chief executive Rebekah Brooks has announced her unresignation from the company.

‘It is totally inconceivable that I could have known anything about my resignation,’ said Ms Brooks, speaking to a small crowd of remaining News International staff. ‘Clearly I cannot be held responsible for any decision to resign because when I made it I was only in charge,’ adding, ‘and anyway I was probably on holiday at the time.’

The unresignation has been welcomed by News Corp chairman James Murdoch. ‘It’s great to have her back on board. Over the past few weeks Rebekah has played an invaluable role in detracting attention away from me and my dad and our honest endeavours to make the whole thing go away.’

Ms Brooks has now signed a new contract with News Corp in which she agrees to resign and unresign on a daily basis. ‘This new firewall contract is the perfect solution,’ explained Ms Brooks, ‘It allows me to take decisions one day while evading responsibility for them the next.’

The decision to unresign follows outrage after Ms Brooks’ original resignation was deemed ‘insensitive’, coming as it did while BBC journalists were holding a one day strike and unable to cover the story in full. ‘This is so typical of Rebekah,’ complained BBC political editor Nick Robinson. ‘She deliberately waited until I wasn’t there before resigning. She should now do the decent thing: unresign, then resign again for not resigning well enough the first time.’

Politicians have also welcomed the move. ‘I have been calling for her resignation for ages,’ said MP Chris Bryant, ‘but now that she has actually resigned it leaves a massive gap in my diary. I think I speak for everyone when I say, welcome back Rebekah. Now we can all get back to the important business of demanding that she resign.’

In a rare interview Mr Murdoch senior welcomed the development. ‘Yes, we have made a few minor mistakes’, he confessed, ‘but now that everyone at News Corp has been forced to sign our new employment-unemployment contract in which they resign every day, nobody can ever be held accountable for their actions. We have finally achieved my lifelong dream: power without responsibility, the prerogative of the Rupert throughout the ages.’

Pope Benedict XVI has given his seal of approval for a special self-exorcism kit that members of the general public can use to tackle their own personal demons.

The kit, comprising of bell, book and candle, plus a special phial of holy water blessed by the Pope himself, will be available from the Vatican home shopping channel, QVC, Quality Value Catholicism.

‘The kit is a real blessing to those people who are possessed by demons but don’t possess the time to deal with them,’ said Vatican chief exorcist, Father Gabriele Amorth. ‘Now people can exorcise from the comfort of their own home, and without having to wait ages for a priest to arrive.’

The launch of the kit is seen as a response to a rising number of possessions that are putting Vatican emergency services under strain.

‘Satan has been very busy recently,’ said Father Amorth. ‘As exorcists we’re completely rushed off our feet, and sometimes thrown backwards and pinned against the wall too. The Home Exorcism Kit is the solution. And at only €666 it’s a small price to pay for a cleansed soul. Money back guarantee if not completely exorcised.’

Father Amorth dismissed accusations that the church was cynically making money from people’s misery and distress saying only, ‘If anyone can, Vatican.’

The Home Exorcism Kit includes a special dispensation from the Pope allowing people to perform their very own exorcisms, on themselves, troublesome members of their family or anyone they meet in the street and who looks a bit funny. For an added sense of atmosphere the deluxe edition comes with a tiny fog generating machine and a Tubular Bells CD.

‘Some people may be uncertain if they have become impregnated with the demonic spore of Satan,’ said Father Amorth, ‘but now they can check for themselves using our new Possession Testing Kit. It’s very easy to use: simply rotate your head 360 degrees and vomit onto the chemical testing strip. If it goes red you are possessed by the devil; if it goes blue you probably just ate some bean sprouts.’

Speaking to crowds at St Peter’s Square Pope Benedict proudly showed off the new product. ‘Everyone should buy a Home Exorcism Kit,’ he declared. ‘Order now, while stocks last. It will be one possession you’ll be glad to have.’

Scientists are said to be ‘baffled’ after a school teaching Creationism suddenly appeared overnight in a Hampshire field complete with a full retinue of teachers and pupils.

St Usshers Junior Mixed Infants is being heralded as the world’s first truly Creationist school, miraculously emerging out of the dust in what is believed to be the first recorded example of educational genesis.

‘I was as surprised as anyone to find myself here,’ said newly created headmaster, Dr William Jennings Bryan. ‘We haven’t seen anything quite like this since the beginning of the Earth in 4004 BC.’

Dr Bryan ran through the St Usshers curriculum. ‘Today the kids have Intelligent Design and Technology in which they have to devise and build their own ark. Then, this afternoon, it’s double pseudoscience followed by flat earth geography.’

The arrival of the school has been welcomed by Education Secretary Michael Gove. ‘St Usshers has set a magnificent example in appearing fully formed out of nowhere and at no cost to the taxpayer,’ he said. ‘This is just the kind of ‘free school’ I want to see more of. And what’s more, the teachers never threaten to go on strike.

‘Of course I realise that some people are uncomfortable with religious schools but surely it’s worth putting up with a few extra bible classes in return for this gift from God.’

However, Hampshire County Council has already raised concerns about St Usshers. ‘It’s all very well getting a shiny new school,’ said councillor Jeremy Spigot, ‘but at no stage did anyone run this past us. I don’t care if it is all part of God’s grand design. He should have sought planning permission first.’

Meanwhile, St Usshers is facing a bullying problem from neighbouring school St Dawkins. ‘The boys from St Dawkins are an absolute nightmare,’ said Dr Bryan. ‘Only last week some of them came by and deliberately threw fossils into our playground, shouting ‘Explain that!’ before running off giggling.’

Local parents remain sceptical after a recent Ofsted report revealed that everyone attending St Usshers was an idiot. ‘I admit we don’t have the brightest pupils,’ said Dr Bryan, ‘but that’s hardly surprising since we don’t believe in selection.’

The American government has confirmed that they intend to clone a new version of Osama bin Laden who will be made to stand trial, be found guilty and then executed all over again.

‘Many people were delighted when they heard that we had shot bin Laden,’ said President Obama, ‘but, at the same time, a lot of people also wanted to see him face trial for his crimes. Cloning bin Laden gives everyone what they want.’

The project, headed by geneticist Dr Craig Venter, will take DNA extracted from the body of bin Laden and use it to create what is being hailed as the world’s first test-tube terrorist. ‘Genes account for about 50% of human behaviour,’ explained Venter, ‘so, at the very least, this clone can be convicted for half his crimes.’

Legal restrictions on human cloning have been set aside on the grounds that the bin Laden DNA is technically classed as an ‘enemy combatant’ and therefore not subject to American law. As a precaution, to avoid any legal challenges, the cloning will take place at a secret laboratory at Guantanamo Bay.

Fertility expert Lord Winston raised a note of caution: ‘While they may be able to create an Osama bin look-a-like, the Americans will also need to provide an unstable geo-political environment for him to grow and develop.’ However, Pentagon sources say they already have that one covered.

‘Making bin Laden stand trial will help the American people achieve closure,’ said their most respected psychiatrist Dr Phil McGraw. ‘Gaddafi just isn’t the same, and no-one even knows how to pronounce “al-Zawahiri”. The only solution is to bring back Osama, put him on trial and kill him on prime-time tv.’

However, the conviction of a cloned bin Laden is by no means guaranteed. ‘The trial of OBL Mark II could be OJ Simpson all over again,’ said legal expert Professor Alan Dershowitz, ‘and defence counsel can always argue that their client was not only set up by the American government, he was deliberately bred and nurtured by them from the start. They quite literally made him what he is.’

Claims that the plan was just a cynical election stunt designed to boost President Obama’s ratings were rejected by Whitehouse Press Secretary Jay Carney: ‘Cloning bin Laden is about truth, justice and the American way,’ he said. ‘We are treating this trial with the utmost seriousness, which is why it will be televised around the world and be presided over by Judge Judy.’

David Cameron has confirmed that the government’s NHS bill will have its life ended by physician-assisted suicide. ‘We tried everything to save it,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘but the condition is terminal. We have therefore decided that the time has come to put it out of its misery.’

Although killing a parliamentary bill is still illegal under British law, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has been given special dispensation to fly it out to Switzerland where it will be terminated by doctors at the Dignitas Clinic.

‘Personally I would have preferred to put the bill into a hospice,’ said Lansley, ‘but the conditions in the House of Lords leave a lot to be desired. Of course we all hoped that during the 10-week listening exercise the bill might show some signs of remission, but every time I spoke to the doctors they told me there was no hope of recovery.’

The BMA has welcomed the decision. ‘While we do not normally approve of physician-assisted suicide, in this case we are prepared to make an exception,’ said a representative. ‘Sometimes the prognosis is so bad that the best option is a quick, painless death, followed by cheering and a street party.’

Various attempts to save the bill had been unsuccessful leaving it with only weeks to live. ‘We knew things had become serious,’ said a tearful Lansley, ‘because the last time I looked at the bill someone had left a sign by its bed reading “Do Not Resuscitate”.’

However, there is concern that some politicians have been placing undue pressure on the bill to have it killed off, purely for their own personal gain. ‘There was no undue pressure,’ insisted Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. ‘I saw the charts and the figures spoke for themselves – it was going to die, and so were we. All I want is for the bill to be given a peaceful, dignified death – personally that is something I would also like for myself but I guess you can’t have everything.’

The prime minister has denied accusations that the decision represents yet another humiliating U-turn. ‘I prefer not to think of this as a U-Turn,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘As politicians we abide by a code of ethics that says that when things get awkward we change our minds to save our skins. It’s called the Hypocritic Oath.’

Justice Secretary Ken Clarke has announced that plans to reduce prison sentences by up to 50% will be abandoned in favour of a new system of HMP Nectar points.

Under the scheme, those who immediately plead guilty to their crime will have their Nectar card swiped with 1,000 introductory points that they can use to buy fags, phone credit or pornography. Alternatively they can save up their rewards for bigger treats such as a set of glass tumblers or a day trip to Legoland.

‘The Nectar points scheme represents a major re-think in sentencing policy,’ explained Mr Clarke. ‘Previously I was trying to reduce the number of prisoners, but following a chat with David Cameron I now understand that government policy is to get as many of them through the doors as possible. We need to increase our customer base, and a loyalty card scheme is the best way of achieving that.’

Serving prisoners will also be able to earn Nectar points, with 500 points awarded for good behaviour, 1,000 points for grassing up a mate and a whopping 3,000 points for confessing to a string of crimes that they didn’t commit. Every few months prisoners will also get sent promotional vouchers including offers such as ‘250 extra points with your next burglary’ and ‘1,500 points when you spend 3 years or more inside’.

However, the scheme is already facing harsh criticism. ‘Prisoner Nectar points might sound like a good idea,’ said Juliet Lyon, Director of the Prison Reform Trust, ‘but the end result will be higher re-offending rates as newly-released prisoners simply go out and commit more crimes in order to get enough points for a six-month subscription to Golf Monthly Magazine.’

Early problems with the scheme have already emerged with prisoners trading in contraband loyalty cards, many of them doubling up with Tesco Clubcard points, while white-collar criminals are refusing to participate altogether and are getting their deliveries smuggled in by Ocado. The government also faces calls for a full-scale public inquiry after one group of prisoners secretly stockpiled their Nectar points and tried to escape by converting them into an easyJet flight to Alicante.

‘Like all new policies there will be some teething troubles,’ said Mr Clarke. ‘But the great thing about this scheme is that it rewards loyalty. Even if a few prisoners do escape they’ll have to come back to redeem their points.’

Following their ban on The Human Centipede 2, the British Board of Film Classification have now refused a certificate to The Very Hungry Caterpillar, due to what they describe as ‘shocking images of gluttony and explicit pupa scenes.’

According to the censors the film presents ‘a real threat to cinemagoers’ and is said to contain some of the most horrific images of full-frontal pupation ever seen.

The report by the BBFC says: ‘We found that the caterpillar presented a very bad example to children and adults alike, encouraging binge eating while suggesting that the end result would be to enter into a chrysalis stage and come out the other end a beautiful butterfly. This is entirely the wrong message to send to people, especially in the midst of an obesity epidemic.’

In the film, the caterpillar starts off by eating a leaf, an apple, two green pears, three purple plums, four strawberries and five oranges. ‘This early stage of the movie is fine,’ said BBFC Director David Cooke, ‘since it encourages a mainly fruit based diet, and conveys the government’s five-a-day message.’

However, the BBFC became increasingly concerned when the caterpillar is shown eating other foods including chocolate cake, ice-cream, and most controversially, Swiss cheese and salami. ‘It is quite irresponsible to show such a dangerously high cholesterol diet,’ said the board members. ‘We haven’t seen anything this bad since the infamous full-fat butter scene in Last Tango in Paris.’

However, the board reserved their major criticism for the latter stages of the movie in which the caterpillar in shown in an explicit state of full-frontal pupation. ‘This was completely unacceptable,’ said Cooke. ‘Heaven forefend if people saw this film, went home and tried to enter into a chrysalis stage themselves. The consequences are too horrific to think about.’

The film’s director, Lars von Trier, said: ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar is a story about sin and redemption. Yes, there is gluttony, but let us not forget that the caterpillar then suffers a tummy ache and returns to the purity of the leaf. All the pupa scenes were shot tastefully and the true message of the film is that inside every one of us there is a beautiful butterfly.’

‘This simply isn’t true,’ countered Cooke. ‘None of us have a butterfly inside of us, unless we have swallowed a caterpillar, and that is just the kind of thing we are trying to avoid.’

The Panini Superinjunction Collection features the silhouettes of anonymous Premier League footballers that kids can buy, collect and swap in the playground, although for legal reasons they are not allowed to mention any names.

‘It’s great,’ said Timothy Ferris, aged 10, ‘nobody knows who any of the cards are for certain; it’s all based on guesswork, supposition and what we can find out on Twitter.’

‘There’s already a massive demand for this range,’ said Panini’s head of marketing, Gianfranco Farinelli, ‘although under English law the collection is impossible to advertise so we are mostly doing it through word of mouth.’

The value of each card or sticker varies depending on the fame of the footballer involved and the level of scandal alleged.

Prices are also being massively inflated after many players have been paying their lawyers to go round school playgrounds to buy up any cards or stickers in circulation. Accordingly, children are now being warned to stay away from any strange men hanging around by the school gates claiming to be from Schillings or Carter-Ruck.

However, the value of some players can crash. ‘Once a footballer is named in the media they become worthless,’ explained Ollie Jessup, aged 9, ‘I’m now stuck with three Ryan Giggs that I can’t even swap for one John Terry.’

Panini have also launched a Celebrity Superinjunction collection featuring the blacked-out faces of well-known actors, chefs, and reality TV stars. ‘We hope to develop a crossover market for this range,’ explained Farinelli, ‘with many sports fans keen to match footballers to the celebrity that they are accused of sleeping with. Ultimately the aim is to collect the stickers of everyone involved in a scandal – stars, wives, lovers, prostitutes – and get them all lined up together on the same page, typically with Max Clifford at the centre.’

The new collection is officially licensed by the High Court and has been warmly welcomed by Lord Justice Eady. ‘This is a great way for kids to learn about the law,’ he said, ‘although if they mention any names I will have them immediately arrested.’

David Cameron has rejected claims that the coalition is fixed and that he signed Nick Clegg to his party years before last May’s public vote.

The allegations were made by an anonymous internet blogger who claims that a young and innocent Clegg was secretly auditioned by Tory talent scouts before being signed to their label and cynically groomed for office.

The blogger also claims that Clegg was deliberately ‘gayed up’ by Cameron in an attempt to make him appear more sensitive and caring than he actually is.

‘This is a outrageous smear campaign,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘Until the 2010 election I had never met Nick and, like most people, had absolutely no idea who he was. He entered the coalition of his own accord and at no stage did I groom him for office. Ok, so I might have asked him to wear the Lady Diana wig, but that was an entirely private matter.’

The allegations, posted by a blogger who claims to have worked for the Tories, says that Clegg was targeted by them at a very young age, first at public school and later at university. He was then given a job working for former Conservative minister Leon Brittan before going on to become a so-called ‘sleeper Tory’ as leader of the Lib Dems.

‘He was clearly being groomed from the start,’ claims the blogger, ‘I know for a fact that before the election Clegg was given voice coaching, a shiny new suit and clear instructions to say anything and sign any pledge that might endear him to the public. The whole thing is obviously a put-up-job.’

Police say that they have traced the blogger to an address in Downing Street, leading many to suspect that the whole story was leaked by Cameron himself, in a desperate attempt to generate interest in a flagging format.

‘Coalition’s Got Talent remains a solid brand,’ insisted Cameron. ‘Yes, most of the performers are second-rate and some are clearly nut-jobs but I am only giving the public what they want.’